stilljewels:

niqabisinparis:

i noticed this thing with a lot of men. they tend to be really generous and kind only to women they’re attracted to. duh, obvious statement to most of you but it’s jarring when you see it first hand and it’s so prevalent and insidious to the point that it feels uncomfortable accepting help from a strange without thinking of the possibility of him having ulterior motives. and it’s disheartening knowing that if you’re in a position needing a man’s help, a lot of times it will depend entirely on whether or not he’s attracted to you. and the problem is that they think this goes both ways. i can show a simple gesture of kindness and a man will take it as me coming on to him. me letting you go in front of me on the checkout line because you have one item, me offering change because you don’t have any, or anything other well-intentioned act of kindness results in a man trying to eventually make a move thinking that it’s mutual. how sad it must be to think that there’s no kindness for the sake of kindness. that all good done in this world is based on sexual impulses instead of the desire to help another human being just how you like to be helped. 

This fact has been driven home to me more and more the older I get.

When I was young woman, I existed in a world where a lot of men were friendly and helpful to me – if not overly-friendly. Until I had to reject their advances (because the friendliness often lead into them asking for my number or whatever), then things got mean, oftentimes.

So I became very guarded and suspicious of every man who was nice to me. I assumed that every one of them had ulterior motives, because 95 percent of the time, that was true.

Then I got a bit older and aged out of the Young Desirable Woman category (Note: I do not think I am “undesirable” in actuality – this is not low self-esteem talking here – but being in my mid-40’s, I am not in the Hot Chick category according to the society I live in).

And suddenly all that friendliness/helpfulness was nowhere to be found. In fact, it was replaced with a kind of low-level impatience and distain. Like, why am I even *existing* in (what they see as their) public space, if I am no longer a pleasure to look at/a potential sexual conquest? Ugh, go away you dumpy middle-aged cow etc.

Bear in mind I have always been essentially the same person, internally. But the treatment I receive has done a 180. Except not really because the former friendliness was fake and had an undercurrent of violence to it. Now at least I know what I am dealing with on the face of it (hint: It’s misogyny.)